Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
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Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.