I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
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Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
i think both sides are to blame here
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room