The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
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[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
#parenting
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.