angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Shortcut
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.