That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.