Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
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Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Florida man
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.