My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
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I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Every work meeting this week
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*