People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
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I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
ATMs should have breathalyzers
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.