no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
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I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Breaking news:
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Sign at work today
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Always 🥴
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”