7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
is nasa ok
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.