British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
You Might Also Like
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
This is I, Robot all over again
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Warm pools make me nervous.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election