I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
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If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Best mom ever 😂
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I’m going to need a moment here.