I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan