“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
You Might Also Like
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge