popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
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Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.