Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
me hooking up with my ex
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break