Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
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Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I love it all
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
How I’d get arrested…
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.