Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
You Might Also Like
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes