Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
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him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My love language is deader than Latin
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”