I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
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Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think