If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
You Might Also Like
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it