Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
United Steaks of America
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?