Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
You Might Also Like
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
quarantine day 3
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.