God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
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7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.