[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
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Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant