DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
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Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of