[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
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I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
This kid will have a bright future.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
normalize having existential bread
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog