“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
anyone else like Italian cereal
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Kidney stones? Hard pass