I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
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It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126