The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”