My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
*has no idea what a book even is*
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
welcome back
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.