Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
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If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Thursday Thought.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
dam girl