FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
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Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?