I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
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We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Cool shirt 🙂
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope