Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
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Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Lmfao
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
im all 3
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????