Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
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“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
When you kidnap a writer.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.