Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
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The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.