VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
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Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
screw you
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.