“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
You Might Also Like
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks