if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
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I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
so much to do
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.