Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
“HELP WITH CAT”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*