[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
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Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency