My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
You Might Also Like
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
it is time once again
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.