Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
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I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk