The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
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Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Erm…
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I think this should do it.