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Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Donkey Kong sommelier
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids