turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
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I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Did I do this right
I’m about to risk it all