Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
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On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes