I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]