Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
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“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun